Monday, February 25, 2013

My Live Oscars Blog

This is my live Academy Awards Blog. It starts about a half hour into the show because I just thought of it...

By the way I am publishing it before I actually proofread it so there will be plenty of spelling and grammer mistakes that I will correct later...or maybe I wont.


8:55 - Paul Rudd and Melissa Mcarthy come out and do something that looked like it should have been funny but honest to god I have no idea what they said.

8:56 - My wife actually says "Why is she so fat?"  That's nice honey.

8:59 - Reese Witherspoon's boobs look like they are trying to eat her dress.

9:00 - The clamoring in my house for Les Miserables to win every Oscar including Best Animated Short, Best foreign documentary and the Cecil B DeMille Award reaches a fever pitch.

9:04 - Cinematography.....Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...Oh Thank God one of the Doobie Brothers won.

9:07 - Visual Effects goes to......More people nobody knows or cares about!!  Hooray!!

9:10  - That guy really didn't get that his time was done did he??  Dude, That music means Shut the f' Up

9:14 - The Costume Design winner looked like she had to walk in from the parking lot.

9:20 - What the hell is Halle Berry wearing???  That looks like a costume that people in movies about the future wear.

9:24 - Did I need to hear Goldfinger?  Let me answer that for you...No.  No I didn't.

9:30 - Live Action Short goes to.... Les Miserables!!!  Wow! I did not see that coming.

9:40 - 10:10 - I had to get my clothes ready and take a shower so I missed whatever minor awards were given out and, apparently, a big  musical montage....  I feel all empty inside.

10:11 - Mark Walberg has to stand up there and pretend he is enjoying interacting with a teddy bear.  It always surprises me that the directors of the show think that will be funny.

10:14 - Did he just say there is a tie????  I would be pissed if I was one of those two.  That is kind of like getting "Participation Tropy"  You didn't actually win because everyone got one.

10:18 - Christopher Plummer looks like a corpse.

10:19 - My wife just said about Anne Hathaway "Look how her dress does the nipple thing"  What does that mean?

10:21 - Anne Hathaway and her nipple dress won!!!!

10:32 - The editing guy apparently had a seat in the parking lot next to the Costume Designer chick.
(as a side note how cool would it be to be handed your oscar by Sandra Bullock?)

10:34 - I hate hate hate the song Skyfall.  So boring.

10:43 - I didn't realize how many freakin pictures were nominated for Best Picture.  Nicole Kidman was the 10th person to announce 3 films that were nominated.  That can't be right.  Can it??

10:46 - Kristen Stewart bravely limps on stage and then sounds like she's stoned. 

10:47 - Oh My God!  Nice wig on the guy who just won for doing something for Lincoln.  He looks like if he took off his glasses the hair would come with it.

10:52 - The two old men from the Muppets balcony brought two of their friends with them and they all decided to carry an Oscar.

10:56 - Ah...the In Memoriam portion of the show.  We always love this part. A lot of sound editors and production designers this year.  Too bad more famous people didn't die.

11:00 - Barbara Streisand.  She annoys the living crap out of me.

11:02 - My wife and I think that if Cher and Jennifer Anniston had a kid it would be the 2013 version of Barbara Streisand.

11:03 - Bunny

11:04 - Our Bunny comes to feast on human flesh.

11:07 - Catherine Zeta Jones is going to be my 3rd wife. (after my current wife and Diane Lane)

11:12 - OK. What the hell is Life of PI about??  I am tired of thinking it of it as the tiger on a raft movie

11:15 - Skyfall wins best son......Zzzzzzzzz

11:23 - OK.  The time has come for the big ones

11:24 - Tarrantino wins for screenplay.  I am going to come right out and say what an insufferable douche bag I think he is. 

11:25 - ...aaannnnnddd he proves it again.

11:27 - Two awards and another commercial.  No wonder these things last longer than a Yankees/Red Sox game

11:32 - I just realized the combined age of Michael Douglas and Jane Fonda is 412.

11:33  - Ang Lee wins Best Director for the tiger on a raft movie. 

11:35 - Two awards and another commercial.  Oh My God!!  This is an excersise in torture.

11:42 - Jennifer Lawrence Takes Best Actress and promptly falls going up the stairs.  What a bittersweet moment that must be.

11:44 - "Meryl Streep's dress looks like it is made out of cement".  ...Kristen Day

11:47 - Meryl apparently doesn't beleive in suspense. 

11:50 - Jack Nicholson ladies and gentlemen!!

11:51 - Why oh why are we listening to Michelle Obama and her stupid hair??  And what was the point of her ramblings??

11:55 - Argo takes the big one.  I stongly feel that anyone who looks as good as George Clooney should not be as rich  as he is.  You get one or the other.  Not both.

That's it.  The damn thing is finally over.  Remind me to never do this again.  I am going to hate myself in the morning.

Til next time.

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